1st Watch - Week 4 (January 25 - 31)
If you were honest with your answers for week 3, there should have been a stir in your emotions. If you have been single and dating for any length of time, like me, you have probably made changes to your appearance, perhaps your personality, and even sacrificed your morals at times if you thought it would make you more appealing and desirable to a man. But in the end, if things didn't work out, you were disappointed with him for sure, but more disappointed and even disgusted with yourself for sacrificing who you are, and for what?
Ladies, understand that you are enough. There is no one else like you in all the earth! You are unique. With all your quirks and flaws, from head to toe, you are loved by God and valued by God. Strengthen your opinion of yourself by focusing on the list you made of your good qualities. We'll tackle the not so good qualities in the 2nd Watch. Here are the questions for this week:
1. Are your thoughts on most days consumed with what men like, want, or think? Be honest.
2. How far would you go...? How many of your good qualities would you change to have a man?
3. Who would you be if you didn't care what men thought about you? (How would you dress? Would you wear your hair natural, or would you still have a perm? LOL Would you have a closer relationship with God?)
Dig deep ladies!
I am a Christian woman and have been divorced & celibate for a number of years (8+ yrs).I met a man in April of last year who I thought was the ONE. We seemed to have this intense connection and I told him about my celibacy and plans to continue.He seemed to be ok with it although he kept trying to put me in compromising situations . I resisted in the beginning but because of my strong sexual attraction to him I gave into making out with him although the fore playing acts were never really completed..Long story short, he lived about two hours away from me and because of some red flags I did a background check on him in the beginning and found out that he was living with the mother of his children. Although he denied it and although I stepped into denial for a period of time...I stepped out after I was able to get him to confess. The confession came after too many lies. His explanation was that they were living together for financial reasons to support their two children and he had plans to move out (yeah, right)...so I decided to remove myself from the equation but I don't meet many men that I feel that intense sense of a connection with. It has been difficult not to give into my desire for him although I know that I am doing the right thing and refuse to step back into denial. I think about him constantly and had stopped answering his calls but have not been able to shake the thoughts of him and I together...what would you suggest because logically I know there is no way we can be together even if he left the situation because my trust has been broken. But as I'm sure you know, logic does not make any difference in the affairs of the heart.
Signed,
Desperately Seeking Closure
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This campaign is right on target, this is just the thing our women need.I was disgusted at the flippant,disrespectful attitude of Tom Joyner and his co-host during your visit on his show.It's OK if they don't agree/understand your position,but why not respect it as a guest and a woman???All they did was prove that this campaign is needed.The black community is exposed to HIV/AIDS at a much faster rate than other races,we have more out of wedlock births,we have more single parent households and our teenage girls have a higher rate of STD's and teen pregnancy is out of control.If you doubt the stats, I challenge you to check them out.A campaign such as this has the potential to teach women young and old that the position of woman is just as valuable,if not more than that of a man because,,,,,
1. when your head is on right you have the potential to bring "you" to the table and not all your baggage.
2. waiting to become sexually intimate allows everyone involved the chance to actually get to know each other as individuals and decide if they'd like to take the journey with this person or not.This is especially helpful if the parties involved are looking for a spouse.
3. The black community is the most spiritual/religious community, do we all agree???Why is it that we don't heed this tenet of the Christian religion and reserve sex for marriage????It would make those statistics null and void???
I am a married woman (20 years)and through experience, I can honestly say delaying sex does allow one to enter into the relationship with a clear head. You are focused on you and any goals that you may have.Your partner has had the opportunity to access his goals as well and from that point important decisions and plans can be made.I am a huge advocate for black marriage and I stand with Icen in this campaign but the disrespect and buffoonery aimed at the campaign is sad proof of where we have gone as a people.
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Oh my goodness!......Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I'm so happy to see someone who took the time to put my "thoughts out there". I have been "closed" for 10 + years (yes TEN PLUS) first and foremost because of my DEEP relationship with God and my strong Christian values regarding premarital sex. However, within the last 5 years my very core has been "rock" because I simply got tired of waiting. I have always regarded myself as a very attractive woman and is often told how "sexy" I am by men. AS I began to ponder the possibility of letting go and having sex, I had to first ask myself some very hard questions. The most important was "was my decision to have sex again for me or to have a steady companion in my life. Then I answered with what was the truth.....I was willing to risk it all for a CHANCE at having a steady relationship. I emphasize Chance because no matter what we as women do, we cannot control what men do. Really it is not about the men it is about us as women taking a stand for ourselves and making ourselves a priority and not the superficial and fictitious things of life. In the words of the OLD saints...."I am yet holding on"....not because I think God would strike me dead or take away my vagina
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I agree with Avienne Muhammad comment. I listen to you this morning on Tom Joyner Show and felt that he was being totally disrespectful. My feeling were hurt because these are the beliefs of our black men. And again nobody ask you to agree but please be respectful. Our women need this!
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I also agree with Avienne, but it was a God send for me to hear the show at that moment (I only listen to if there are commercials on my favorite show) or I would not have found the campaign. They did act like immature boys this morning. I'm not sure if you have been on Steve Harvey, Micheal Baisden, or Doug/Dee Dee show, I believe they will make jokes since it's part of the game, but will support and respect the campaign. I need this group to help me meet the goal of abstaining from sex for not just 6 months, but until marriage if need be. I want the Lord to be proud of me
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Icen, I agree with the other ladies..I love Tom and Jay but sometime they can act so ignorant! I love the Take 6 idea and I'm definitely on board. As a result of "shutting it down" I've cut all the perm out of my hair (my natural hair is about 1 inch long)and I love it! Every day, I'm developing authentic confidence in myself and my new look. I'm doing life by my own terms. I'm not totally there, but I'm definitely on my way!
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I appreciate your efforts, and will definitely join the movement. I too heard you this morning on the TJMS, and made my final decision to no longer listen to that show. I refuse to support someone who has so little respect for women. I understand they have the right to their opinion, but they shouldn't have ahd you on the show if they were going to overtalk you and not let you make your point. I'm sickend that they were "outraged" that you're trying to help mature women get their lives back. And to Tom's point that this would be okay for younger girls, but isn't for 40 yr old women, I wish that he would take a second to realize that it is the 40 yr old women that are raising the younger girls. I for one know that I learned my negative behavior towards sex from my mother, and if someone could've helped her get her stuff together when I was younger, maybe she would've been able to be a better example for me. And beyond that, their attitude just fortified the reasons for your efforts, it exactly that attitude from men, that makes me want to hold back and find someone who is far less ignorant than they are. I don't know if you've been on already, but I hope to hear you soon on the Steve Harvey Morning Show, where I'm sure you'll be treated with more respect.
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Desparately Seeking Closure - You're in a really tough spot right now, but I don't have to tell you that. I can absolutely relate to your story. Because you are a Christian woman, let us be lead by the Spirit with this one. You know, when we try to live in obedience, the enemy is relentless in his attacks. He knows exactly what to use (and who to use) to distract us from God. Getting away from this gentleman was the best and right thing to do. I've had this same kind of attraction and chemistry with someone who proved to be a liar as well - and no good for me. The best thing you can do is stay as far away from him as possible and find something positive to focus your attention on. Something that will require your full attention to get it accomplished. Also, focusing on the lies he told you and how destructive he would have been to your life, and all you're trying to do will also help. As for your thoughts of him, whenever your connection with him comes into your mind, began to pray. And I mean every time. Rebuke the enemy if you have to. With time, if you do this, you'll have more control over how deeply you allow yourself to think about him. Try it and let me know how things are going.
Thanks for sharing with me. Keep the faith!
--Icen
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Thanks for your words! When Tom and crew began their insults, it confirmed that I was on the right track with this movement. The questions you mention are all of the reasons why I decided to take something of this magnitude head on. I agree, statistics don't lie. It's time for a change. I really hope single women will embrace this effort and take the journey. Sex after marriage... No one wants to talk about this...not even Christians. You're a woman after my own heart. Please spread the word about the campaign to your single friends. And congratulations on your many years of matrimony!
--Icen
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Wow - ten years! Your note is encouraging and quite funny. Love your humor... About 2 1/2 years ago, God showed me how he had spared my life from so many careless decisions with men. So it was at that point that I decided to "close" it up and get my life together. It's been a journey but I am free! I am yet holding on too.
--Icen
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Thanks so much for your words. You know what? Their comments showed me that I am definitely onto something with this campaign. It is quite sad to hear how these respected men feel about an effort to help women cleanse, heal, and love themselves. Goes to show how bad a shape the man-woman situation really is. We need this time. Forget the haters!
--Icen
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Thanks for commenting. Can you believe hearing the words "no sex" caused two grown men to lose it like that? It just confirmed to me that we are on the right track. Like you, this is not about 6 months for me. I'm committed to celibacy until marriage. You know, when you think about it, it's not about the sex anyway. I want to be considered, respected, protected, etc. Stimulate my mind. Take an interest in all of me. Know what I mean? Information about the campaign has been sent to the shows you mentioned, however, I haven't heard anything yet. You encourage me! Blessings to you...
--Icen
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Yes! I love your new confidence. There is something so freeing about not letting other people define who you are. Cutting your hair was a bold move I'm sure, and I totally understand it. I've made some major changes myself. It's time to learn to love who we are -- every inch of our being. Hang in there sis... The best is yet to come!
--Icen
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Thanks for your note. I have to say that I was a bit surprised at how negative they were about the idea of women taking some time to take care of themselves. But it cofirmed to me just how much we as women need to do this. The 40-year-old comment was a bit ignorant though. It just goes to show that we have to require more of men. Our lives left in their hands has brought us to a place where we feel used, disrepected, and devalued. I'm so glad you're taking the journey.
--Icen
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